Why we should speak up

Last semester, one of my professors asked for feedback openly in class. Thinking that since she values feedback so much that she could ask in class, I gave an honest negative feedback in front of my classmates. To my horror, she immediately snapped and some people in the class even made sounds like "orh hor..." which kind of made the entire atmosphere even worse.

I went back, pondered about what exactly did I do wrong - was it misunderstanding? Did she interpret wrongly? Or did I just phrase my feedback too flagrantly?

Later on, I couldn't stand the feeling of leaving things hanging (since now we are in bad terms but we still need to see each other in tutorial classes). So I took the initiative to clear things up with her and offer my apologies.

Thankfully, she's cool and over about it.

In fact, our relationship became way better than any typical student-teacher relationship in university after that.


Now.. that's not the point of why I am talking about this incident in my post today....

To get to the main point.. let me back track a bit..

During the period when I told my friends about this incident - I remembered very vividly some of my friends said, "Boon May. You need to learn to live in the reality. You should only bootlick the professor, never argue back and ask less questions so you won't annoy him/her so much."

What they had said struck me. Not because I feel that what they say were true and I should change the way I am to "adapt to the reality" but.. because what they say were strongly against my consonance.
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Firstly, I don't bootlick, and have never booklicked anyone else in my life before. I think that it might be due to the some high ego in me that I never booklick others.. This can be a big disadvantage in my life.. I know that long ago - but I won't concede. Because I always feel If you can build good relationships with others through sincerity and goodwill, why do you have to booklick?

Another reason is that I grew up treating everyone the same and this isn't something that can be changed within a day or so.


So yeah. Bootlicking is a big NO-NO for me.


Secondly, if something is wrong, I will always speak up. Some people see this as "arguing back" but to me, there is a fine line of difference in these two.


Thirdly, I always believe if we don't know something, we should always ask questions. Or else we will not get anywhere. Even if after asking questions, we may not get the answers we want.. we may appear stupid..


But the thing is, at least after asking questions maybe from person X and person X couldn't give the answers we want.. we would now know that we have to find other ways to get answers.

It means we are taking a leap forward and becoming clearer to where we should get our answers, isn't it?

This brings me to the point I want to talk about today - Asking questions.

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This semester, I met the toughest, most sarcastic and most unhelpful professor I have ever met in my life.

Every question I posed to her was rebounded back with sarcastic or harsh comments.

It is no wonder nobody has asked her questions during and after class except me all the times.


While I have to admit, sometimes I do ask questions out of convenience.. But most of the times, my questions are really legit.

I remembered doing something really meticulously and wholeheartedly.. spent the entire day and came up with something to show her and asked if what I have done are alright. and I got the harshest reply from her in something like this: "I won't entertain things like this. Why are you spending so much time doing some thing that will waste your and my precious time? Please make use of your time wisely."


First, my heart sank. And then later, I got angry. I felt like... all my efforts have gone to waste. Instead of providing me constructive feedback, why did the professor have to sound so mean? My dislike for this teacher started to build up.

I started to doubt myself - Am I really wrong in asking questions? Because every time I ask a question, all I get back from her is a harsh or sarcastic remark and it felt like I got slapped in the face every time and it hurts.

Until today.

We were supposed to have a make-up class at 2 p.m. today. Having been released from my second tutorial early, I decided to go for the make-up class half-and-hour early.

To my dismay, I found out that this professor I dislike also went early.

"Should I just leave and come back at 2pm?" this question sprang into my mind.

"No, let's just have a talk to her and see how it goes," I thought.

And so..

I greeted her, sat beside her and we chatted for 30 minutes.


To my surprise... her demeanor when she talked to me 1-1 was so different from how she was usually like in class - that angsty and sarcastic tutor whom perpetually seems to have this "come near me and you will get it from me." that kind of aura.

When she spoke to me 1-1, she was cheery - all smiles and courteous.

Somehow, she knew that I was working and studying at the same time (which I don't know how come she knew) and asked how I was coping with my studies.


I replied, "Average" and what she replied me was something I have never expected coming from a professor...

"Coming from my experience, results are really nothing. Really.


"Remember the two things that you would always need: First, you must be able to accept feedback.. feedback from anyone, your boss, your colleague, your partner, whoever. Second, you must be thickskinned. Very thickskinned.


"And you know what Boon May? From my classes I have with you... the way you dare to ask questions... I can see you are a very strong girl. And I'm sure this will bring you a long way ahead even after you graduate from university. Believe me."

I was speechless when I heard her saying that.


My impression of her took a reverse turn drastically.


From what she said about "must be able to accept feedback", a sudden realisation came to me -
So all along... she was being mean for this reason!


She wanted to train her students to be able to take criticisms and be more resourceful.


And.. all along, I felt like I appeared stupid in her eyes because of her harsh comments.

Yet I was so wrong.


Contrary to that negative and silly interpretation of my side, I appeared to be "strong" to her for daring to ask questions.


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So... this brings to the conclusion and the morale of why I want to share this experience of mine..


Sometimes... why we choose to be passive - because being passive is within our comfort zone. We don't get hurt, don't appear silly and in fact, we appear like we know everything.

But actually, we have a lot of things we do not know. But that's okay -

And it's okay to appear silly to ask questions even if these silly questions might hurt us. Because we learn. We learn to ask better questions. We learn that if we can't get answers from asking questions from a particular someone, we can always be resourceful and get our answers elsewhere than to be stuck at the same stage. And most importantly, we learn to accept negative feedback so that they won't hurt us anymore.

Because ultimately.. I strongly believe we will become the clever one emerging from all those people around us who think we appeared silly.




Ending off with this quote that I concur with =)

Time and context change everything

I'm sure many people heard that cliche saying before, "Time heals everything."

It sounded like total nonsense when I heard that at times I was hurt badly.

Now, though some parts of me still remain skeptical about it, this saying is starting to get into me.

Don't stop believing
I always told myself that, until now.


Recently, I'm learning psychology stuff from a module I am taking.

Something intrigued me when I was studying for this.

 For so many years, I always thought that one major flaw about human brains are that we tend to forget things after some time. I also thought that If we could be like computers/robots and remember everything, we would be all geniuses who can rule the world.

However, evolutionary psychology taught us that - Psychologists believe that humans are always "retaining the best traits and eliminating the bad ones" via natural selection process.

So over the long history of how humans' brains have been able to develop to become better and better, why hasn't our memory banks be one of the aspects that evolve as well?

Many psychologists have come up with numerous theories to explain why human's poor memory benefits us and hence is retained throughout our species so far.

One of the particular reasons:

Motivated Forgetting

Sometimes, we may actively work to forget memories, especially those of traumatic or disturbing events or experiences. The two basic forms of motivated forgetting are: suppression, a conscious form of forgetting, and repression, an unconscious form of forgetting.

This brings me back to recall how so many times I tried to avoid remembering those memories... And as time passed...


I found out that time and context changed everything.


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Though forgetting has its limits. 

There will always be times like this - Missing you sweetheart

Rest in peace there, okay.

Introspective post for the end of 2015; The beginning of 2016

11.08pm on 31st December 2015;

As usual, I'm here to write up an introspective post on the happenings that had occurred throughout the year. 

As I was searching in my phone gallery for some pictures which could act as very defining visuals about my life, I found out there were very few to offer. It had been a big contrast compared to other years. 

Year 2015 had been the hardest year for me in my life as I was in great sorrow in the passing away of sweetheart. Yes, it had been one year ever since he was gone; but he had never been gone in my heart every single day of my life. I still feel heartbroken and I constantly sorrowed over our dreams unfulfilled. Sometimes I still daydream about the things I could possibly do with him, only to be reminded that he wasn't there. I was only 22 and I had no reason to live.

One of the overarching question through my sorrow was, "Why did God take Kal and not me?" I felt sweetheart had so much more to offer the world than I did. The way he treats everyone. His innocence. His everything.

I desperately sought to find out the new meaning of my life. I had never thought I had been living solely due to his presence for so long, which explained why I wasn't able to get over as easily as everyone could think I would.

I'll like to dedicate a short excerpt to sweetheart here as the new year is approaching, and here it goes:

Dear sweetheart,

I would like to apologise to you for doing some really foolish things. I did them when my senses weren't at the right state.

I wish and I really hope you are doing well over there. Remember I'm always here wishing the best for you and sending my warmest regards from the deepest of my heart.

I've been in constant touch with your twin, Mimi and we had been healing together with each other's help.

I'm thankful you sent an angel to help me get on with these difficult times. Your family had been doing well and I'm sure they miss you as much as how much I do.

Please be happy over there. When the right time comes, we will meet again. I love you sweetheart. 

Back to the main post.

I'll like to post some of the major events in my life during 2015.

1. Gotten my 2B license for bike riding!

(As shown in the picture above, that is my precious baby Honda PCX that I had gotten after I passed my lic)

I remembered being so frustrated over the riding lessons at CDC because all the needed preparations towards getting the license were so demanding. I failed at my first attempt in my practical exam.

But thankfully, I passed in my second practical exam!
I'm proud to say I'm a motorcycle rider ever since then! Haha. And I've been receiving many remarks from people that the fact I ride a motorcycle is such a cool thing which makes my heart flutter even until now. Maybe I should take pictures with my baby Honda PCX like those models posing with motorcycles sometimes :P

But I bet I won't look cool like those models EEK. >:(

2. I had bought a HDB flat and renovated it and moved in and lived comfortably ever since!

The HDB flat I bought was a really compact 2 room flat that comprises a bedroom, a living room, a toilet, a kitchen and a bomb shelter. It might be small to many people but it was more than enough since I'm living by myself.

For the past 4 years that I had been working as tuition teacher and staying in rented rooms in the outside market, I finally finally get to have my own shelter.

FINALLY!

And I can't describe how glad I was. It was tough living with strangers in a house as there would inevitably be disagreements or conflicts here and there.

I'm also proud to say I have settled the arduous process of renovation, selecting and purchasing furnishings, electrical appliances. It really wasn't an enjoyable process ya. The fact that there are an overwhelming variety of products and ways to doing certain thing makes decisions hard to make since we all always want the best.

Those days before I had gotten the keys for my HDB flat were the better times as I could indulge in daydreaming what kind of house I wanted. But daydreaming and reality was starkingly different! So yeah.... I couldn't do up my home as how i literally dreamed it should look like..

But! I'm still pretty pleased and contented with my little home now. Being at home is something I enjoy a lot now because it is so comfortable. :)



3. I'm still continuing my tuition career and it has been going well.

I love my students (most of them) and the parents!

4. Started school in NUS.
Had been the toughest time handling school and work at the same time but at the end of it all, I'm proud to look back and see how far I have come and managed to survive them.

I'm really enjoying what I'm learning in school and days in school were always filled with anticipation. (And weariness most of the times also sadly) I'm glad I chose to follow my heart when I was making my choice for university.

One of the proudest moments was when I heard Miss Cardoza announcing (in turnitin voice record) that I garnered the highest marks for persuasive speech across the entire cohort (600++ people) and that really makes me felt like all the hardwork in the preparation of speech really paid off. (Yay!)

I was so happy about it that i repeated the voice record for hours like a crazy girl there. Haha.

This little achievement made me felt like I could be a superwoman and really achieve anything as long as I work hard for it. 

I was very disillusioned when I first came back to school as I began to feel the competition for good grades among my peers. It made me feel very stressed out and constantly having worries in the beginning. But thankfully, I read a book titled "The Happy Student" by Daniel Wong and it had changed my perspective entirely. If you are a student who is reading this now (no matter how old you are), I highly recommend you do give this book a try - you won't regret it.

After reading the book, I pledged to run my own race from then on; and to run my own race means that there's only one participant: myself.

The price awaiting me at the end of the race isn't the approval of my friends, my family or society; but my legacy and my character.

Never to compare myself with anyone else because I am not racing with them but for myself. I have to always keep in mind that the race isn't about winning or losing. But about what I'm learning and who I am becoming along the way.

5. A different Boon May
It's true that a life death experience can change someone totally. I've come to realise truly how short life is and how important my family members are to me. And that changed my attitude in many ways. It was no wonder Daniel Wong (author of Happy Student) had advised his readers to draft out one's life sentence (final destination) apart from personal mission statements and others.

Life sentence is a statement of yourself, a statement that will appear as an eulogy when you have passed away. As morbid as it sounds, this idea deeply resonates with me after sweetheart's passing.

I was glad that all the people remembered fondly of him.

As much as we humans like to deny death, death is an inevitable reality that will mark the end of all of our journeys. 

So...

It is 2016 now!

All I want is to focus on living well.
Doing things that I should be doing.
And constantly seek to improve on myself.
After all, 人的一生就是一直不断地学习怎么做人。 学习做人是一辈子的事, 不是吗?

And above all, I wish for good health of my family members, friends and myself ;)

Happy new year to whoever is reading this :)